“I Did Love You”

Do they have a classroom or a courtroom on the other side of the veil for Narcissistic Mothers? How about a freaking tribunal??

That’s what I thought when, just now, I happened to read this page at Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

A few months ago, I was sunning myself on a friend’s patio balcony. It was a fabulous and gorgeous afternoon, and I was feeling particularly warm, fuzzy and peaceful.

That’s when it happened.

I heard a voice inside my head, the kind that you know is your intuition, or an angel, or God himself speaking to you.

The voice said, “I did love you.”

I knew instantly that it was my mother who passed away last year, about 11 months ago.

At the time, I didn’t feel much. It sort of passed over me and through me, and I acknowledged it for what it was without giving it much thought. I was in a good mood at the time, and other times I was basically numb, not willing to think about her much in a concrete way. Thinking about her in a concrete way, like looking at old photos or mementos, can have the effect of making me cry and cutting her too much slack, as I too often did since there was no other choice, her being a Narcissist.

Now I realize that there is something else.

Why didn’t she say, “I’m sorry. I did love you.”

Why didn’t — why couldn’t  — she apologize?

If there is a classroom or a schoolhouse or lords of karma, as I believe there may well be, I hope she was held accountable for what she did to me that was so hurtful and so unnecessary and so unproductive — no, destructive. (For the record, I believe that I too will be held accountable for my transgressions. I believe that everyone has or will be.)

My mother went to her grave KNOWING how much she hurt me, betrayed me, gaslighted me, defamed me, manipulated me, made me crazy.

There will never be any apology.

And if she did apologize, would it be sincere? She was emotionally ill, and highly narcissistic. She may have even had the actual NPD disorder.

Apologies, when they do come from a Narcissist, are always insincere and always contain a hook or an agenda. (Yes, I am using an absolute statement here and stand by it.)

So I wonder just what it’s like for a Narcissist after they die. I’d like to think there’s a special place they go where they’re punished for what they did. In my case it’s my mother, who did all those things to her own — and only — daughter. She sure had a warped concept of what “I love you” means.

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Linking the page referenced above here:

Forms of Abuse

Narcissistic Mothers have many subtle – and sometimes not so subtle – forms of abuse.

  • She lies to us and about us. She insults us, sometimes so subtly that we’re left wondering if we imagined it. Sometimes the insults are wrapped in a cloak of concern, “Poor you, you’re always so confused”.
  • She demeans us and doesn’t respect us whatsoever.
  • She ignores us when it suits her and overwhelms us what that suits her.
  • She manipulates us, our feelings and our situations for her pleasure.
  • She ignores our personal boundaries, both physical and emotional.
  • She treats us as an object, only existing for her gratification.
  • She denies our basic existence, our very humanity.
  • She forces guilt onto us, and shame. She tells us in every moment – verbally and otherwise – that we’re unworthy and never good enough for her.
  • She’s sly and sneaky, reserving her abuse for secret times, so others don’t see it, and don’t believe us if we try to tell them. Which is even more crazy-making.
  • She neglects our needs, sending always the message that we don’t matter, that we’re worthless. This leads to self-loathing and struggles with self-care.
  • She’s unpredictable, capricious and inconsistent, so we never know where we are or what to expect. There’s no secure foundation to this world.
  • She tells us she loves us and distorts the word by doing so, because she doesn’t act as if she loves us. Another form of gaslighting as our experience contradicts exactly what she is insisting is so.
  • She makes herself the center of the family, forcing us all to revolve around her and keep her happy. Her needs are paramount; ours, barely acknowledged.
  • She can’t be trusted. She says one thing one day, and another the next.
  • She misuses your vulnerabilities. She knows them, as your mother. Anything you say will be used against you. She fights dirty.

See Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers