Amazing community of bloggers; and Should I have handled things differently?

Today, as with many other recent days, I’m overwhelmed wtih the desire to read the many excellent blogs about surviving FOO (Family of Origin) narcissism, and I’m overwhelmed by the sheer volume and the fact that I just cannot get through them all as I would like to.

Recently I found a blog entitled You Don’t Have To Dance For Them, and through that wonderful blog I found many other excellent bloggers. (Update: blog has been deleted)

It’s difficult to keep up with them all, though there are days when I surely try. I don’t always leave comments, but I am reading many of them every day. Each one has something to say… so eloquent, so brilliant, the minds out there are just amazingly clear and articulate. And passionate. And supportive.

Today I found a new blog entitled Transcending Indifference, by blogger LifeSizeVision, which contained a post entitled “In The Mail.” It began with a No Contact letter to the blogger’s own mother.

Many of we survivors of NFOO (Narcissistic Families of Origin) relate to what others write, and it stirs up memories and feelings and new ideas.

When I read LifeSizeVision’s No Contact letter to his mother, I asked myself “Wow, could I have written such a simple, straightforward, searing letter like that?” “SHOULD I have written a letter like that?” “What would have been the result?”

Had I written such a letter, it would have become necessary to completely alter my living situation, as in: leave it behind along with a whole place full of stuff.

I was my N mother’s caregiver during the last year of her life and I was dependent upon her financially because I was not working at the time. She needed me, and I needed her.

You guessed it, she was helping me financially so she was entitled to dish out whatever she felt like, without respecting my boundaries or even a protest from me. One time I sat down and figured out all the work I’d done for more than a year. I realized that I was making about $15/day based on the extent to which she was helping me. And for that, I was doing far more than taking care of her.

I was providing Narcissistic Supply, at great expense to myself… to the point where it nearly destroyed me — emotionally, mentally and physically as well.

The fact is, I shouldn’t have been doing it.

But as usual, there was just no one else to do it. (Funny how when I finally quit because of my health and my collapsed emotions, 3 people were magically able to step in and do what I’d done almost-singlehandedly.) To be fair, my elderly cousin helped a LOT, more than I knew at the time.

I could have walked away from everything, and probably should have. My mother was fatally ill, but I was gravely ill too, although I didn’t know it at the time. There were many signs pointing to that, but I chose to ignore them and doggedly continue on as I always had.

At the same time I was dealing with my Narcissistic Golden Child Triangulated brother (triangulated by NM, of course). My mother was an “In Your Face” type of Narcissist, while my brother is the “Strike-When-They-Least-Expect-It” type of Viper/Narcissist.

I had often thought that I should just leave [the state I was living in then]. I did indeed leave, but not until 3 months after my mother died.

I had often wondered “what would it be like to sell all my stuff and start over?” I would’ve had to do that in order to finance the move.

Unfortunately, I was too attached to my sweet little place in the country with the gorgeous mountain view and the peaceful country roads and all the wonderful critters and amazing trees… you get the picture.

I was also too attached to my stuff.

And really, it’s just stuff.

I’m still seriously thinking about getting rid of everything. Actually, I have long-held fantasies about it. What would it be like to just get rid of everything and start over? I hope I will muster the courage to answer that question by concretely doing something about it. It doesn’t have to happen in the ways I fantasize, but it does need to take place to some degree.

Back to the beginning of this post, there are just too many great bloggers to name when it comes to reading about being a victim of Narcissism and the varying stages of the healing journey.  I don’t want to forget anyone, so head on over to upsi’s blog and discover them all for yourself.  There are other excellent links there too, i.e. to experts, books and articles. (Update: upsi’s blog has been deleted)

My dog is quite cutely begging for my attention so it’s back to the real world for now!

4 thoughts on “Amazing community of bloggers; and Should I have handled things differently?

  1. I think it’s part of the process to question ourselves – it’s a very familiar place to be, wondering if it “could have been different” or if we’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere. I find that the people who are able to understand life as a process are much more enjoyable to be around, as opposed to the Succeed/Fail – Win/Lose – Good/Bad – Right/Wrong world of the narcissist.

    In your reflections, I see you facing the truth and being real, both of which I admire!

    xo
    upsi

    • Thanks upsi, I agree. I was just thinking that I don’t reveal everything about my process here, because I believe there is a need to keep some things private. I know that there are some people who have figured out who I am, and that’s OK because I did leave clues, and that was intentional. However, as you know it is both a community journey and an individual one. What is different now is that instead of my journey being difficult in community (working stuff out in community rather than individually, as spiritual groups often do), my journey is now more with myself. Finally! Like someone said on the Biggest Loser last night, this is about me for a change, and I need to do this for me. The community of VoNPD bloggers certainly understands that, and it’s great to have support from people who truly know and care while we’re making the individual journey that must be made to complete the process. –joy

  2. Thank you so much for the kind words! I too can’t fit all the reading I want to do into a day, there’s too much good stuff!

    I think you couldn’t have known what you know now, and I’m glad you’re “here” now!

    Can’t change how everything unfolded, but it is fun to fantasize. Take all that energy and invest it in the present – do what feels right to heal, detox, and move forward.

    I love your spirit, thanks for being part of our little community.
    xoxo
    upsi

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